Dear Death...
011
I woke up this morning feeling uneasy. Something was off. I didn’t let that affect me, and kept up with my day. It was a good day, a great one, actually.
Now, the day is over. I have to let today go and start again tomorrow. The moment I close my eyes and fall into deep sleep, I’ll be letting every emotion, conversation, and experience behind. I feel uneasy again.
When you think about it, it’s scary.
One day, I may won’t wake up again. One day, I may won’t even get the opportunity to purposely go to sleep. Maybe someone else will close my eyes for me. Maybe something unexpected will happen. Maybe I’ll die.
There’s a phrase in a song that has stuck with me since I heard it. The line is: “Maybe ‘cause I’m a dreamer and sleep is the cousin of death”. Every time I go to sleep, I’m dying. I can’t recover that day.
Even, each second that passes is a second I won’t be able to get back. I’m just getting closer and closer to the end.
And when it all ends.. What’s next?
I’ll go to heaven? I’ll go to hell? There’s something else? I’ll reincarnate? I’ll disappear? I don’t know.
Do I need to know? I’m not sure. Most of the time, I don’t care about it, but in days like today, I feel uneasy, like I want an answer.
In days like these, I wonder if I’ll be good enough for heaven, or try to intellectualize over the possibility of being nothing. I try to convince myself that if I don’t exist, I can’t suffer or wish to exist in the first place. That’s true, but I’m still scared deep inside.
Will Death take me before I find true love? It will immediately after, without letting me fully experience it?
Will I die fighting for what I value? Will I die at peace? Will I have regret? Will I have fear?
I don’t want to die while screaming and yelling for help. I don’t want to die alone. I don’t want to die feeling like I could have been something else.
Once I die, some people will remember me, but when those people pass away as well, I’ll be forgotten. I won’t be remembered by masses. My name will be one of the millions in history that just disappears. That makes me love even more the few people that will remember me. There’s an strange intimacy in it.
I don’t know when I’m going to die. I may die right now and never be able to hit “publish”.
Whenever it is, I’ll be ready to leave this world and go wherever you want me to go. I’ll do it without fear, without regret, without looking back. I’ll do it for you.